The Reason Why You Don't See Food in Resident Evil
by Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar
Summary: This story explains why there isn't ANY edible food in RE. OK, not really, but it's random retardedness with a plot line. I suck at summaries, just read it and review.
1. Mr President and Japan?

1IxPokexYou: I got this idea one night while my friend Saphira946 was spending the night and we were playing Resident Evil 0. It's was funny when I suggested it and she put it into words. So, I'll do my best to make it as funny as possible. Enjoy :)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, but the city Of Weasleville.

_Umbrella HQ; Somewhere on Earth . . . or is it?_

Albert Wesker sat in his chair . . . thing, in his dark office infront of his black agent. Er, I mean infront of his Asian agent.

"Ada I need you to go to Weaselville and check it out."

"Why?"Ada asked more interested in biting the hangnail on her middle finger than what Wesker had to say.

"Because, there have been reports of Paranormal happenings."

"What paraphernalia happenings?"

"No. Para-normal happenings."Wesker said slowly. Maybe having Krauser drop Ada out of a 5 story window on her head was a bad idea. She had a helmet on, but suffered some brain damage anyway.

'_Not enough to kill her though._'Wesker thought gloomily.

"Oh, isn't that you?"Ada asked. That question made no sense. That is what Wesker thought. The window cleaning man thought that same thing. He had really good hearing. Well anyway, back to the story.

"What?"Wesker asked dumbly. Yes, that's right. Wesker asked a question dumbly (Saphira946: AHHHHHHH, THE SKY IS FALLING!!! THE APOCALYPSE IS HERE!!!!!)

"Well, you know."Ada said cautiously. She may have a bit of brain damage, but she knew better than to make Albert Wesker mad.

"No, I'm sorry. I don't have a clue what you're talking about."Wesker replied, starting to get his daily migraine.

"When your French alter ego appears and you start talking to it and singing "Thanks For The Memories" by Fall Out Boy."Ada said. Wesker froze. They heard that. The singing wasn't his alter ego. It was him. He always secretly wanted to replace Patrick Stumph because, he always felt he would do a better job because. Well . . . we all no Wesker is egotistic and enigmatic.

"Uh, sure. Why don't we go with that. . . . _sigh_Just go and don't get yourself killed. Well, at least not yet." Ada nodded her head vigorously like an idiot and left the room tripping over the invisible pinata Birkin invented before he turned into the Birkin-thing and got his ass killed.

Wesker thought a moment.

'_Ada will get herself killed. I can't afford that. But, if she got killed. I could hire Jade Puget. He's a ninja. . . . Better call Krauser.'_Wesker turned on his gi-normous computer and tracked Kruaser by the little tracking note he had the Umbrella doctor peoples plant in his butt above the mysteriously placed Billy Coen tattoo. Wesker shuttered at the thought of having to see a tattoo of another man on Krauser's posterior.

"Gross."he simply said as Krauser's face appeared on the screen.

"Ello Wesker."Krauser said in a creepy voice, trying to sound like Hannibal Lecter. Wesker sighed.

"Where are you?"he asked in annoyance.

"I am in Sviden. Looking for veryvulfs."he replied in a crappy Swedish accent.

"Go after Ada and make sure she doesn't get her Chinese ass killed."Krauser nodded and hung up.

_Somewhere on a beach, most likely Tahiti or Kokomo. But, most likely Miami . . . PINK HOUSES!!!_

"Agent Kennedy. . . . Agent Kennedy. . . . Agent Kennedy? Agent Kennedy!!!"Mr. President yelled over the phone.

"Uhh . . . Mr. President you have the phone upside down and I'm standing right infront of your desk."Leon replied exasperatedly.

"Huh."Mr. President turned his swively chair around."Oh, ma bad."Leon just sighed and shook his head.

"You need something. . . . Let me guess, Ashley got kidnapped by the Ganado and I have to go to ruralSpain, then I gotta find a bunch of keys, defeat some jacked up monsters that used to be human, then find Ashley, save herthen she gets kidnapped . . . AGAIN!!! Then , I gotta find her do some more stuff and afterwards we gotta escape on a jetski and Ashley will hit on me . . . AGAIN!!!"Mr. President said nothing as Leon continued his rambling while pacing the Oval Office with his left index finger in the air like Sherlock Holmes or Vin Diesel(Saphira946: Vin Diesel WHERE!!!???)

"Leon . . . Uhh, Leon??? LEON!!!!!"Ashley yelled. Leon whipped around and yelled

"WHAT???!!!"

"Geez, you ain't gotta yell you idiot."Ashley said adjusting her hearing aid. It was an unfortunate accident involving a meat cleaver and a monocle

"Oh, sorry Ash. I didn't notice you there."Leon said not caring that they heard the annoyance in his voice.

"Well, anyway did you want something Mr. Kennedy?"

"Uhh, Mr. President. You wanted me for something . . . Duh."

"Huh. Oh, yeah right. Uh haha."Mr. President stopped for a moment. And stayed paused. Leon sighed for the umpteenth time today.

"You wanted me for something?" Leon asked slowly.

"Hey! Don't to my dad like he's slooooow!" Ashley said. She was the one though who said 'slow' like she was slow. (Saphira946: Mabey 'cuz she is?)Leon could tell that this was going no where. The president of the United States had alzheimers so he problably didn't even remember why Leon was there in the first place.

Then one of the super secret spy agents in pink came in with an ashamed look on his face. Leon was used to seeing them and knew that they could really kick butt when they wanted, but, alas, Ashley was spoiled rotten by her unknowing father and so she got to design their clothes. Actually, most of the White House and the employee uniforms was either pink, black with pink polka dots, or blue. _The officials might as well rename the 'White House' the 'Pink House with a hint of blue'_ Leon thought sarcastically.

"We have been informed of major paranormal activity in Weaselville." The S.S.S agent stated with a bored tone.

"Major Paranananal Aclivity as in Wealelville ! I knew I should have disposed of him when I had the time." The president shouted in Leon's ear.

"Umm sir?" The S.S.S. agent cautiously said (Last time he said anything to the president he had been tied to a stripper pole with a phone cord and had peanuts shoved in his ears and nose for an hour). "There is no 'Major Paranananal Aclitvity. There is paranormal activity in Weaselville. As in ghosts and ghouls. Also, when you said 'you should have disposed of him' you should have said 'when you had the chance' not 'when you had the time' sir."

"Well it don't matter what I said now doos it since Major Paranananal Aclivity doesn't exist now does it." The president reasoned.

"But sir..." the S.S.S. agent was cut of by Leon at that point. Leon just gave a look to the agent that said "shut up while you still have the chance" and said "Yes sir." to the president.

Ashley just stood there the whole time drooling on herself.

The S.S.S. agent finally informed Leon that his mission was to go to Weaselville after more bickering from the president, sarcastic statements from Leon, pitied looks from the agent, and a puddle of drool from Ashley that Leon was forced...ahem...requested of to clean up. Leon then left as soon as possible.

_Somewhere in some random Spain...in a random house, watching a random Samsung T.V. was a random Luis sera_.

"El hombre, yo odio esos maldice telenovelos."(Oops, translation needs to be turned on...Okay, there we go.) Luis had a television with 150 channels that came with it. On the downside, 149 of those channels were soap opera channels. The other channel was half news, half infomercial. It just hit 10:00pm so now the infomercial was over on that one channel. (A/N: I think Luis needs to get a new t.v.)so Luis flipped channels until he found the one (there were no numbers on the remote or the television) he wanted.

"Okay, what's going on in the world today." Luis wondered out loud.

"Let's see, France and England/Great Britain/Britain/United Kingdoms is still at war. Africa is still poor. Japan is still rich with technology. Australia is still left out and is still thinking WTF. America is still dumb and full of whores...whoa there's something new! No, it's not the dumb or full of whores part. There is major paranormal activity in Weaselville,????? and Albert Wesker has sent Ada Wong and Jack Krauser to investigate. Wesker is going too, just in case the more than likely situation of Ada and Krauser's failure. Also, the dim-witted president Gram is sending Leon Kennedy to investigate the supernatural crap. He will meet up with Ada, Ada will leave, and he will holler 'Ada Wait!' as always. He will kill Krauser, again. Then Wesker will appear from no where and gloat about nothing. Then Wesker will leave and Krauser's body will dissapear. Luis Sera is watching this program and will decide to go to Weaselville because it sounds like fun and he might get money. He is also hoping that Ashley, President Gram's daughter will show up so he can hit on her." Luis read from the silent t.v. screen(the sound didn't come with the television). The stalker outside his window had finally gotten bored with Luis's ramblings and left. Luis then decided to go to Weaselville to see if he could get money, if Ashley was there so he could hit on her, and because ghosts sounded like fun.

IxPokexYou: Ok, well I hope you enjoyed it. Saphira946 helped me type it too. So, give credit to her.

Saphira946: Yeah, you better or I'll come to your house while you're asleep and open an umbrella in your . . . I know where you sleep at night.

IxPokexYou: --' Uh sure ya do, dude. Well anyway. Sayonara and tune in next time for Supernatural . . . er I mean Resident Ghost. Heh heh


	2. Grandmothers and Handbags of Havoc

1Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: Ok, I forgot to correct the pen name in the first chapter. This story was originally for my other account. Well enjoy.

Saphira946: yeah, enjoy it or else. I'll cut you. I know where you sleep.

Pink.Ninjas: What if they sleep in different places each night?

Saphira946: Oh, you mean like Cher

Pink.Ninjas: O.o Uhh, yeah sure. Like Cher.

Saphira946:)

Pink. Ninjas: Well, enjoy or according to Saphira, if you don't. She'll come to your house and cut you.--

Leon Scott Kennedy got out of the car and looked around.

"So, this is Weaselville?"Leon asked nobody in particular. He looked around some more and noticed that the Ville of Weasel looked oddly familiar. The thing is, no one never heard of it 'til last chapter.

'_Wow, this is odd. It looks like the village of the Ganados.'_Leon thought as he looked around and spotted a cow and a chicken.

"Cow and Chicken."

"You want stilettoes?"someone shouted from somewhere in some time.

"No, I don't want stilettos. It's Wesker who has the fetish for those neck breakers!"Leon yelled as he looked around for the source of the voice. All of a sudden, A something hit Leon in the back of his head. He looked at the something and found it to be a neon green stiletto. Leon sighed.

"It could at least be pink or purple."

"Eat Cookie!!!"Leon heard a _whizzing _sound and looked behind him to only get smacked in the face by a stale year old double chocolate Oreo cookie. Leon looked at it and ate it. He had to skip breakfast because he was tired of apples. You see, Leon is on a strict diet. Apples in the morning, asparagus in the afternoon, and almonds for dinner. It was an all A diet that Operah told him to go on. He wasn't very good with the alphabet so he couldn't think of anything that started with A besides apples, asparagus, and almonds. It was breaking his diet, but he was so hungry.

"Taste like . . . **JAPAN**!!!"Leon yelled. Don't ask me how he knows what Japan tastes like. 'Cause last time I heard, Japan didn't taste like year old stale double chocolate Oreo cookies. It tasted like Onigiri. . . Riceballs for you non- Nihongo speaking peoplez.

"Applebee's!!!"another voice interjected. Leon looked around and this time found 3 . . . **GANADOS!?**

"What the fuck?"Leon asked.

"Applebee's!!!"Ganado #3 yelled. Leon sighed. This was gonna be a long mission.

"Yeah, I saw one a little ways outta town. Near, Annapolis.

"You want stilettoes?"Ganado #1 yelled in Leon's ear. Secretly he was Hanzo Hattori from Samurai Warriors.

"Wow, your like a ninja."Leon squealed. He always wanted to be a ninja, but you had to be Japanese according to Chris, but what did he know. Chris was an idiot and his sister, Claire stated the obvious. Leon ignored the Ganados and continued on. He looked around until something caught his eye. It was a piece of neon orange paper tacked to the door with a pair of human teeth. Ignoring the teeth, Leon read it aloud.

_To whom it may concern. This pen is empty. 'Cause, I used it to write this to let you know that this writing utensil was out of ink. It's very nice ink, it's black. I think I'll go to Office Depot and buy some more later though, I can't miss my Soaps. I'll get some blue ink this time. If they have it. Oh uh, anyway, I'm gonna stop writing 'cause this pen is out of ink, like my note states._

_-B_

"B. . . . Hmm, I wonder what the B stands for. Brianna, Bailey, Barthez. So many possibilities, and what pen was he talking about?"Leon asked. A Ganado came up and yelled.

"**ORGY!!!**"while pointing to something. Leon followed his finger and found a pen tacked to the wall by the paper with some sticky tack.

"Oh, I knew that."Leon replied sheepishly. All of a sudden everything went black.

"God dammit."Leon yelled putting his sunglasses back on top of his head. Leon felt a sharp pain in his head as everything went black and I think he fell to the ground in some chicken crap.

Luis Sera slowly got off the little plane on a small airstrip in Weaselville. He looked around and yelled.

"Aye, aye, aye!!! It looks like the village of the Ganados, dude!!!"he turned to the pilot and saw something so horrifying it made Santa Claus want to commit suicide 10 times over. It was Salazar in a tight red leather outfit. Kinda like the one Rayne wears in Bloodrayne 2.

"Mr. Sera. I hope you had a nice flight."Salazar smiled awkwardly.

"Who the hell died and made you a transvestite?!"Luis squalled , while covering his eyes.

"I am not a transvestite. I am playing the role of Rayne in Bloodrayne3."Salazar replied with indignity. Luis couldn't help but feel kinda bad for the little er . . . guy.

"It's ok, amigo. I understand. You have a need to feel beautiful because your boyfriend says you are ugly. Well, I think Saddler is . . . right actually. Man, you one fugly mofo."Luis said turning around and walking to town. When, he got there. He was mazed to see it looked just like the village of the Ganados.

"Man, I gotta stop licking Poison Arrow frogs before bed."Luis whispered as he thought he saw neon green stilettos and hot pink ballerina slippers Well, he did see neon green stilettos, but the hot pink ballerina slippers were actually light pink. The sun hit them just right to make them look hot pink.

"Every time I get out. They pull me right back in."Luis sighed as he sat by Leon's unconscious

form.

"Oh! Hi, Leon. Hoe ya doin', amigo?"he asked patting Leon's shoulder, ignorant to the blood slowly pouring out of the gash in the back of Leon's cranium.

"Man, Am I glad you're here. I was beginning to think I would be the only semi-normal person in this hell hole."Luis took a deep breath, about to explain why he was there, when...

_BONK_

"You idiot!!! I'm supposed to be unconscious!!!"Leon yelled after hitting Luis over the head with his great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother's handbag he mysteriously pulled out of his attache case.

"Oh."Luis said, scratching the back of his head. Luis took the handbag and knocked Leon out.

"Now, where was I?"Luis asked.

"**AHHHHHHHHHHHHH**!!!"it sounded like a retarded person yelling. Luis turned around to only get stabbed in the gut with a spear pickle. He looked up and found Salazar had stabbed him and then he passed out.

"I make a damn good Blood Rayne. You . . . you. **GRRRRRR**!!!"Salazar ran away, back to his plane.

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: Ok, what do you think? I'll be getting to Ada, Wesker, and Krauser in the next chapter. You should check out Saphira946's stories. They rock.

Saphira946: Yeah! So check 'em out. Or, I'll have Billy hurt youholds up Ball PythonHe'll kiss ya ta death.

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: --. Um, ok then. Plz read and review. You might want to read Saphira's to or someone might get hurt and it won't be you. It'll probable be me gulpsPlease?


	3. Speedy Nixon

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: Ok, chapter uh. . . Hey, Saphiraཀ

Saphira946: Yeah, Pink?

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: What chapter is this?

Saphira946: crap, I forgot . . . hold up I'll check._ Looks in saved files_. Chapter 3.

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: Ok, thankies. Well, it's chappy 3. Enjoy and don't forget to check out my other story, Saphira's stories, and leave us a tip. Gosh, it takes a little bribe here and there to get us to update and think of this stuff.

Disclaimer: I own nothing and I'm not proud of it. I would like a little recognition from Capcom for creating such an awesome story and all, but when I called them. They told me no and to go play so more RE and to support their plans for taking over Nicaragua by means of public transportation. Oh, by the way. I don't own the box turtle or God of War.

Saphira946: Why public transportation? o.O

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: Hmm, I don't know. I suppose they'll brain wash you and make you sell your SUVs. Leaving you no other choice, but to take buses, subways, and other public means of transportation. Which, would make you spend untold amounts of money a year just to get to Wal-Mart right up the street 'cause your too lazy to walk. And face it, cars now a days are extremely expensive. See, see. It all works out.

Saphira946: What would they do with all the money. Build schools in Nicaragua?

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: No, of course not. That would benefit the common folk that want to learn how to use a hoe. They want to raise enough money to start a world wide Beta farm and make even more money.

Saphira946: -Hey, that was originally our ideaཀཀཀ

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: Yeah, I know. It's not right.

Both: Enjoy.

Ada Wong looked around at her surroundings. It was a carnival? Uh, ok then. Wesker must have given her the wrong coordinates. She felt around on her belt for her radio, but noticed it wasn't there.

"Shit."she said dully. She looked around on the ground for it and amazingly found it. It was being carried off by a Prairie Dog who was wearing a sombrero. It turned around and shouted, before speeding off.

"Andaleཀ Andaleཀ Arribaཀ"

"Wait Speedy Gonzalezཀ I want your John Hancock . . . Haha, I said cock."Ada laughed as she began to drool on herself again. This happened on the Grey Hound bus Wesker made her take because, the last car he let her take, which was a Lamborghini Murcielago, she wrecked into a Pokemon/Yu-Gi-Ohཀ Convention. 13 Psyducks were mauled by Clefairry and 3 Dark Magicians escaped with a bunch of Pokeballs. While all this was being explained. Ada was wondering around the carnival, trying to figure out why it looked so empty. But, she couldn't put her finger on it. Then, she saw it.

"Oh My BOBཀཀཀ"she yelled as she ran up to the game booth and gawked at the box turtle. It had the Kraytos look going for it. With the kilt thingy and the Blades of Chaos.

"Must have Kraytos the box turtle."

"Eat Cookieཀཀཀ"the Spanish man that oddly enough looked like a Ganado yelled while producing a peanut butter cookie. His name was Ganado #47 and he was wearing a jacket that looked oddly familiar.

'_Wait. That looks like Leon's jacket. Is leon here?_'

"Mum made them for the homeless chap down by the bridge, but I do say a fine young lass like you deserves them, really."the Ganado said. You see he was half British and half Ganado . . . ish. Blushing, Ada replied, while taking the cookie. "Oh, thank you, kind sir."she bit into the cookie, but spit it back out in no time flat.

"What's in this thing?ཀ"she shrieked

"Oh, I think mum puts olive oil, lemon casserole, 13 days past expiration date peanut butter with the oil on top, motor oil, saliva lovingly donated by one of the zombie dogs from Racoon City, and soil from where the sewer empties that is connected to a certain river that can't be named for fear of giving away Umbrella's secret location, and the other end of the sewer is hooked onto a certain Albert Wesker's toilet." Ada was shocked, she didn't know Wesker lived in Wyoming.

"Wow, I had no idea Wesker lived in Wyoming. Isn't that the dairy state."Ganado #47 looked at her like she was dumber than Ganado #23, who thought the mushrooms on cow crap was safe to smoke.

"Bow chica bow wowཀ"Ganado #47 sang as he did the pelvic thrust.

"Let's do the time warp againཀ"Ada song.

"So, you wanna play a game, lass?"he asked. Ada nodded her head vigorously, like that time Wesker asked her to retrieve the dead body of the Umbrella employee from the elevator shaft. Funny, story. Wesker claimed that the man just '_accidently'_ fell down and an invisible gun shot the cable cord and the elevator crushed the man. Problem was, Ada and Kruaser didn't see an invisible gun or gunman.

"Yeah, I'll play a game. What game is it?"

"Ring toss."Ada smiled she was always good at the ring tossing game, but then again she always had that one dude. What was his name again? Oh Yeah, John. She always had John to do all that stuff. But, now he's dead. Ada sighed and picked up the ring.

"Just toss the ring and if you land it around Ganado #40482948030's neck. You get Hitler's Little Pony(Sapphira946's creation, not mine). If you land Ganado #654684765132. You get a glass chest set complete with old geezers. And, lastly if you land the Ganado named Steve. You get Kraytos the box turtle."Ganado #47 said with a smile and his old Spanish accent. Ada smiled and tossed the ring. It landed, but not where she wanted it. It landed on a bottle across from the Ring Tossing booth.

"Uh, miss. The game is behind you."Ada turned around and smiled like nothing happened. She picked up another ring and tossed it, making it land on Ganado #40482948030, not Steve. Ada sighed and picked up the last one and threw it carelessly. Surprisingly, it landed on Steve this time, but she needed a tie breaker, though. Ada aligned herself with her target. In other words. She aligned herself with Ganado #654684765132, who was on the right. Steve was on the left. She focused and threw it, totally missing Ganado #654687465132, making it bounce off of Ganado #40482948030, it rolled around Steve's head like a basket ball on the rim and it slowly, almost agonizingly slid around his neck. Ada sighed in relief and took her prize.

Ada was walking down the street when she saw Luis on top of Leon. They looked like they were both asleep. Ada walked up to them and kicked Luis between the butt cheeks with the point of her high heel. He didn't move an inch. She kicked him again, this time harder and in the head. The only thing he did was bleed.

**After hours of continuos kicking . . . **

Ada sat on the ground next to Leon and a now bloody and bruised Luis. She looked around for anyone and nodded to herself. She laid on the ground and placed Kraytos next to her and took a nap, not noticing that there was a speeding horse coming her way.

Albert Wesker stepped out of the plane and looked around, seeing no one. He raised both hands and made peace signs(President Nixon).

"Uh, what are you doing, sir?"his assistant, Mike asked.

"Nothing. What are you doing?"

"Nothing, sir."Mike sighed for he had to put up with his boss who had too many creme brulees on the jet.

Stepping into the proximity of Weaselville, Wesker looked around. Nodding to himself as he took mental images of his surroundings. He saw nothing much, Ganados, farms, a few old looking automobiles. Beetles is what he saw. No, not the car. The band.

**(A/N: No, I'm not making fun of Wesker by putting the Beetles in here, just because he was born in the 60's and the Beetles are from that general time.)**

Wesker shuddered. He hated the Yellow Submarine. It gave him nightmares that involved indestructible combs and V05 hair products.

_VRRRROM VRRRROM _

Wesker froze in fear. It sounded like a chainsaw. He hated chainsaws when he wasn't the one wielding them. Ever since Pink.Ninjas played with him on The Mercenaries. She had taken out 3 chainsaw sisters, but didn't see the 4th sneak up and _WHAM_. He was headless. It took more than 5 times to kill them and she had cheats. All of that just to unlock Ada. God, that bitch haunts him even in 2 dimensional Spain.

Walking into what looked like the village square, there was a huge unlit bonfire with a postit note written in fine point neon pink Sharpie marker. He took the note and read it.

**TO whom it may concern-**

**This bonfire is broken. It doesn't want to light up anymore. Fire go bye-bye. Oh, uh. Anyway. This fire doesn't want to produce anymore flame. So, there fore I have deemed it broken. I'll get the maintenance man, Ganado #54 to fix it.**

**Thank you- Ganado #1**

"The bonfire is . . . broken?"Wesker asked himself. Bonfires can't really break. So, out of curiosity, he bent down and examined the contents. Which was on another postit note.

"Chocolate, marshmallows, graham crackers, human remains. Oh look I see a piece of liver. . . and many other unidentifiable materials.

"All night longཀ"a Spanish something called from a certain place in a certain Spain. Wesker whipped around and saw Dr. Salvador. Wesker was officially freaked out.

"Sorry, I'm married."

**Somewhere in a random USA, sitting at her desk.**

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: You tell 'em, Albie-poo

Saphira946: Yeah, get 'em Triple Hཀ

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: **turns to readers** Plz don't mind her. She's just watching wrestling. Go Triple Hཀ

(**A/N: Saphira hates Wrestling. She spends her quality time playing video game and getting Wesker killed**)

**Anyway back to the story**

We rejoin Albie-poo. Uh, I mean. We rejoin Albert Wesker on his search for anything Paranormal. Something hit him in the back of the headཀཀཀ

**Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: NOOOOOO****ཀཀཀ**

"Ow. That hurt."Wesker said dully. Really it didn't hurt. He just didn't want the Ganados to get freaked out by him notbeing human. He had to catch a few of 'em in some rabbit traps bated withHamtaro plushies. Everyone knows Ganados love Hamtaro a little too much.

"All night longཀ"Wesker turned around and was about to yell at the Ganado for thinking he wanted to play Parcheesi all night. Boy, that didn't really work out the way he planned. He turned around and was met by a mob of Dixie Chicks lovin' Ganado.

"Crap."Wesker squeaked as he ran for it. He couldn't stand the Dixie Chicks. Not after **THE** incident that almost cost him dearly.

**Saphira946: Flashback-san!!**

_Wesker was sitting in his swirly office chair playing Castlevania: Curse of Darkness._

"_Crap! No, no, no! Dammit, Hector! Don't let Trevor beat you!"Wesker yelled as Trevor pulled some sweet moves with his whip out and totally kicked poor Hectors ass. He threw the controller._

"_Ow, my eye!"someone whined in the next room. _

'_What the hell! Did Ada break the wall down again or something?'Wesker asked himself. He looked over to find no wall at all. He only saw 3 people. Some Mexican guy, Barry Burton, and poor little Rebecca Chambers, on the floor clutching her eye. Wesker scratched his head in confuzzlement. _

"_What is the meaning on this?"Wesker demanded._

"_Shows signs of hostility to other parties in a 1 room radius."Barry said like he was Lance Bass or something_**.**

"_Yes, quite so."the Mexican guy said._

"_I think it lodged itself in my brain."Rebecca whined, then stopped a minute. "Yes, quite an angry little bugger."she said then went back to whining again._

"_Krauser!!"Wesker yelled. The door opened a crack and Krauser's head popped in halfway_**.**

"_Yeah."he asked calmly, too calmly._

"_Did you knock down this wall and let these weirdos in?"he asked._

"_Nope. Did you try Ada. I saw her smuggling a couple of body bags in earlier this week."with that Krauser left. Wesker thought a moment._

"_Come to think of it. Ada was in here, but I didn't hear her tearing down the wall."no one knows how he couldn't of heard. People on the other side of the world called President Bush complaining of someone sawing a wall a little too loudly. Plus, Wesker's office was usually pitch black. Was in no need of the lights. So, Sherry sold them and used the money to get a hamster. Wesker wouldn't let her have a licker. So Wesker got on his super large computer and tracked Ada down._

"_Yeah. You want something?"she asked._

"_Where are you?"he asked._

"_Right infront of you."she replied. He looked up and cleared his throat._

"_What is the meaning on this?"he asked pointing to a mini fridge by his desk he never uses._

"_It was a belated birthday present from me and Krauser. Since you love food so much."she replied._

"_Ok then. What about this?"he asked pointing to Berry, Rebec_ca_, and the Mexican guy._

"_Oh, that? Well, since you have anger management issues. I hired a team of professional Phsycoaniligical sinks to help you."she said. What the hell is a Psycoaniligical sink? Is it a futuristic household appliance or something?_

"_Uh, yes. . . Well. I don't need help. Plus, that's Berry Burton, Rebecca Chambers, and uhh some Mexican dude."Wesker said calmly pointing to the 3._

"_My name is Carlos Oliveira."he said._

"_Yeah, whatever."Wesker replied as he pulled a random gun out of nowhere and shot who he thought was Carlos. _

"_Crap! My other eye.!"the gun happened to be a water gun containing lemon juice._

"_So, what about Bury, Rebok, and Carla_?"_she asked._

"_The names are Berry, Rebecca, and Carlos!"Berry yelled._

**Saphira946: NOOO!! I don't want thy flashback to end!!**

And ever since then. Wesker has been afraid of the Dixie Chicks. Don't know why though. The Dixie Chicks weren't even in it. Wesker still couldn't get Benny, Reba, and Carlito's names right.

**Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: Carlito's sister don't spit!**

**Saphira946: -- It's an inside wrestling joke.**

Ok, back to the story. So, here we are with Albert Wesker in Weasleville. He is currently running through the local Pottery Barn. In the second row on the far left.

"Oh look, they have Chinese vases on sale!"Wesker said happily. He loved Chinese vases.

**Saphira946: Oh flashback. Will you marry me?**

**Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: --umm, ok then. PLz 4give her. She loves them flashbacks.**

_Wesker decided to visit Korea, because it wasn't his money. It was Joseph Frost's life insurance money. He took it out on him right before the mission to the Arklay mountains. _

"_What a . . . a country."Wesker said giving up on thinking of a word for it. It had more gangs than Vice City and that's sayin' something. Vice City's in GTA. His current location was north northeast in Seoul's downtown next to a Bluck Boster._

"_Don't they mean Block Buster?"Wesker asked._

"_Nope, Bluck Boster. This is Asia. We are backwards here."some random Mexican person from Barcelona, but raised in South Carolina said. Wesker nodded. _

"_Look out Mr. Will Smith!"some Asian lady yelled. Wesker looked up and was pummeled by Hello Kitty key chains._

**Saphira946**: **Fine! If we gotta divorce. I want the pillows. They're au natural.**

Wesker finally made it out of the local Pottery Barn. Of course, after stuffing his surprisingly roomy black jacket with Chinese vases that said they were made in Argentina.

"What the hell?"he asked. Leon and that Lois Lane? Reading a mysterious text reading thing they use on the news, Wesker corrected himself.

"Oh, it's Luis Sera? Ma bad."anyway, Leon and Luis knocked out. Luis bleeding profusely from high heel wounds. Ada was a sleep on the ground with a box turtle dressed as . . .?

"Brave Heart, perhaps? The Highlanders from Monday Night RAW?"Wesker really didn't know. Something caught his eye. He turned around and his eyes went big.

"Black leather swively chair."he whispered and ran to it. He sat in it and instantly fell asleep.

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: Ok well. I hope you guys enjoyed it.-

Saphira946: Yep, because, we worked hard.

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: Uh, you mean **I** worked hard.

Saphira946: Yep because, we worked hard.

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: -- yes because, we **both** worked hard.

Both: Stay tuned for the next episode of Criminal Minds.

Pink: Hey, you're reading the wrong text screen.

Saphira: Huh, oh sorry. Let's try that again.

Both: Stay tuned for the next episode of Sesame Street

Saphira: Hey Pink. If I'm reading the wrong one then why are you reading the wrong one.

Pink: Oh. Heh ma bad. Let's try it again.

Both: Stay tuned for the next episode of The Reason Why You Never See Actual Food In Resident Evil


	4. Sidekick II SCHREI!

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: Ok, so I forgot about poor Krauser in the last chapter. So, I'm dedicating this one to him. Sorry Krauser!! Well, enjoy and to all of you RE fans (like me) I hope you don't decide to flame me or anything saying that I'm making a mockery of Capcom's greatest creation. I love RE and I'm just doing this because so and plus I was really bored and actually got into this story. So, like I said before. Please enjoy and if you feel the need to flame, keep in mind it's just a game and you really aren't hurting anyone, but yourself. I'm not effected by such childish insults

Disclaimer: I ... sadly own nothing... Oh wait!! I'll be getting my nose pierced in a few weeks!! I'm paying for it, so I'll own it!! YAY!!

Krauser stepped out of the limo. Why a limo? Well, he kind of broke the tricycle that he took from some little kid back in Sweden.

_Flashback..._

_Krauser had gotten off the phone with Wesker when he realized he didn't have any means of transportation. Looking around, he spotted a man on a Harley._

_(A/N: They have Harleys in Sweden_?)

_He also spotted a teen in a nice sports car, a little old man in a Hover Round wheelchair, and a little boy on the Tricycle. Krauser couldn't make up his mind. The Tricycle seemed so tempting, but the wheelchair was so round looking and looked so comfy._

"_Time is of the essence. I must take the fastest means of transportation possible."so with his mind made up. He knocked the little kid off his Tricycle and sped off down the street, going the wrong way of course._

_End Flashback_

But, there's another question that has yet to be answered. How did Krauser make it from Sweden to America in less than a day? Well, during RE4 he didn't receive any antidote, so he still has the Las Plagas(A/N: I forgot how to spell it) in him.

He was walking down the road when he saw a few hooded figures standing over something. Krauser casually walked up to them and looked over ones shoulder.

"What'cha lookin' at, dude?"Krauser asked. One of the hooded figures looked at him.

"Nothin', you?"he asked casually. Krauser shrugged his shoulders.

"I was in Sweden looking for werewolves when I got a call from my boss saying I had to come here and check something out. So, I did and that's when I met you, Mr. ? What's your name?"Krauser asked.

"My name is Ganado #12669 or you can call me Paul."Krauser nodded.

"So Paul what are you and your friends doing?"Krauser asked looking at all the hooded figures surrounding Ada, Wesker, Luis, and Leon?

"Oh, we are here to claim our victims in the name of King Richard VI."Krauser nodded.

"Well, can you take me with you? If I don't I might not get my next paycheck until Wesker reanimates himself. I have to pay my cell phone bill."Krauser replied pulling out his Sidekick II.

"Oh, I have one just like that."Paul said pulling his out. So, for about an hour they talked about their cell phones and what plan they went with.

Right in the middle of a sentence Krauser stopped and looked around when he felt something collide with his skull. He rubbed his head and turned back to Paul.

"Did you feel that?"he asked. Paul looked like he had just seen a ghost.

"You just got his in the head with a sledgehammer and you aren't dead or near dead... why?"Paul asked.

"Ummm... I'm not human?"Krauser asked. He really wasn't sure what he was. Ada always told him that he was a sub-terrainian mutant Wesker had found on his front steps in the 50' in his former life as a Worm Farmer. Wesker, on the other hand. Always told a different story.

_A Different Story...:)_

_Wesker was on his way to 'work', when he noticed a 20 car pile up. Seriously, there was actually 20 cars stacked one on top of the other_, _and it all seemed to be center around a single solitary person. Wesker just had to stop. He watched intently as the man frantically searched for something. He seemed to be muttering something along the lines of. 'Gotta find it. Gotta find it. Can live without my Covergirl. __**ZITS**__!!'Wesker just shook his head and drove off, only to be the 21__st__ car to be somehow lifted off the ground and thrown on the stack._

"_Captain? What are you doing here?"Wesker looked down and saw Chris Redfield, in his little beat up Ford Fiesta with Berry in the passenger seat and Jill, Brad, and Joseph all squeezed in the back. Wesker raised his eyebrows._

"_Redfield, Burton, Valentine, Vickers, Frost... What are you doing out so early?"Wesker asked._

"_Car pooling. The weather man said that the air quality was shitty today and that us people with huge ass SUVs should ride with people who have pathetic little Fiestas."Brad said from under Jill's and Joseph's boots. Wesker nodded and just sat in his Porsche as he watched the man search frantically for his lost Covergirl make-up._

_End A Different Story...:(_

To tell ya the truth Krauser really didn't know what to believe. I mean he had memories of growing up in the German Army as a Hitler in training. He was going to have to call Mama Krauser and ask her which story was true. But, that could wait. Right now he had to stop these crazy Ganados from hitting him on the head with bats in a very rhythmic pattern while mysterious music played in the background, but that could wait to. He really wanted to now why these people were carrying his boss, co-worker, and enemies away on Indian Elephants and not in Dodge Neons, like on the new Indiana Jones movie.

Like a good little Boy Scout he was until his 30th birthday, he followed, while being hit in the head in a rhythmic pattern by the ganados.

Pink.Ninjas.Of.Midgar: Ok, sorry if it sucked and was really short. I have seen the Indiana Jones and there are NO Dodge Neons. I just like that car for some reason. Anyhow. Saphira946 and I are no longer friends, so her random moments in my fanfics will no longer be in here. Instead, my friends who is a new member (gotta get her pen name) will be adding her 2 ½ cents. :)SCHREI!!


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